I just found out my husband hates my son, his stepson. What now?

Now, with those parents, the comment can be put into appropriate context because their interactions with their children are very strong and their devotion is evident. It sounds like that isn't the case for your husband. So, let's look at the examples you provided:

- A parent from your son's football team asked why he never sees your husband around.

I'm a little unclear on why you didn't simply correct that father by saying, "Oh, have you not seen him? I'm sorry, I should have introduced you; he comes to every game. At the next one, we'll be sure we say hello." I think you may bear some responsibility for this one.

- You've asked your husband to do things with your son, but he never does.

This is more concerning to me. This isn't a family. Well, scratch that, plenty of families operate this way, but it isn't what I'd want for my children. For this piece of evidence, I'd look at the surrounding circumstances. Is he doing other things that contribute to your son's well-being? Example: My husband (also a stepfather) is unlikely to take our teenage daughter out on his own because a) we like being together and b) he and she don't share a hobby/interest. But he picks her up from school when I need to work later. He's taking the day off on Friday, so we've relieved the friend who was going to spend the morning with her and take her to camp. My husband and daughter will probably go to lunch and then hit the record store because a band my husband enjoys is releasing an album that day. Later that night, we're all going to a concert together. For me that's probably the thing that I notice the most: If there's an event that she'd enjoy, we're always going to elect to bring her. When she's with her dad, we're always disappointed she has to miss it. My husband brags about our daughter at work, to friends, to pretty much anyone. He takes an active role in figuring out how to raise her well and what her future will entail. And don't get me wrong, we treasure our alone time. But we genuinely enjoy our kid.

- Your husband told his friend he "already puts up" with having your son around.

This sounds bad. It isn't necessarily as bad as it sounds. However, given that he also brought children into the relationship, some of the less negative interpretations are unlikely.

So, what do you do? First, I think you made a mistake marrying this man. You knew he wasn't right for your family and you let him convince you otherwise. You loved him and you really wanted this to work. But you can't take back the past, you're married now.

What I would do in your situation is have a frank talk with my son. I'd want to know how he feels the relationship is going. If after that conversation I felt like his needs were met, I'd just continue working in the background to better their relationship. If after the conversation it became clear that my son was being affected very negatively (outside the general stuff that happens between any two humans), then I'd have a frank talk with my husband. I wouldn't ask him to go fishing or throw a ball, I'd just call it out: "Can you love and treasure this child?" And I wouldn't let him talk his way out of answering. It's a yes with an explanation or it's a no.

If the answer is no, I'd end the marriage unless he agreed to counseling. Your son deserves to be loved and having an absent parent in the house is worse than having no parent in the house. Yes, he'll be moving on in five years, but he will hardly be gone. There will be college and/or finding work, there will be finding housing, there will be marriages and holidays. There will be ups and downs and your son will need his parents in his corner.

I'm sorry you have to navigate this. I sincerely hope that after reflecting on your own role, including times in which you haven't been the best parent, you discover that there's a lot of potential for your family.

Best of luck to you.

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