Parents Asking Adult Child To Help Pay Bills Slammed: 'Cruel'
A frustrated child has turned to U.K.-based internet forum Mumsnet for advice after finding out their retired parents have run out of money and explaining that they are reluctant to subject themselves to further financial commitments.
Lilu1660 explains that their dad is in his mid 70s, while their mother is in her early 60s.
"They don't have any assets as they lost their house years ago as they were on an interest only mortgage," Lilu1660 explains.
They go on to say that after a recent health scare, their father hasn't been able to work, "which led to my mom calling me yesterday saying they have no money, can't pay rent and they are now getting bank charges and could I take on some of the financial burden."
They go on to reveal that they are an only child, have two children of their own, and a mortgage that is about to double because of rising interest rates.
A survey by the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) found that in 2020, 32 percent of adults aged 40 to 64 had provided regular financial support to their parents in the previous year, while 42 percent expected to do so in the future.
The Mumsnet user explains how they are "worried sick" that they will be expected to support their parents financially for the foreseeable future and describes how their mother said, "I was being 'cruel' and 'unhelpful' and she wishes she belonged to a community where children took care of their elderly parents. She has not answered my calls or texts since."
Known as the "sandwich generation" people in their 40s and 50s are feeling the strain of looking after both their parents and their adult children, whether emotionally, physically or financially. They are having to make their salaries stretch to look after both themselves, and their extended families.
The AARP found that in 2019, 54 percent of midlife adults had given $1,000 or more to a parent in the last 12 months, with 20 percent providing $5,000 or more. Support for adult children was equally straining, with 56 percent saying they had provided $1,000 or more in the previous year and 25 percent saying they had contributed $5,000 or more.
Newsweek spoke to Simone Bose, a London-based, British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy registered therapist, about the tricky situations facing many midlife adults.
"This is a very challenging time for any adult when you are in a stage of life where your parents are becoming older and dependent, and you are also bringing up children, you are caught in the middle," she says. "It can be very difficult to see your parents become dependent and confusing, as you're so used to them being the guiding parent and now you are taking on this role.
"You need to reflect on what you can do for them, without taking away from your own family. Also be aware of self-care, as you need to maintain your physical and mental health. You may fear losing their approval if you don't do what they are expecting or you may also feel resentful as you may not have had a good relationship with your parents or had a difficult childhood.
"It ultimately means working through the multiple emotions that may emerge from the shadows of your childhood, such as anger and resentment, or fear of disapproval, etc. and also dealing with your real-life limitations and coming to terms with the multiple roles you play, the child, the adult and the parent."
Mumsnet users were overwhelmingly supportive of the OP.
FatAntelope commented: "Do not give them any money. Give them options as you've started to do. Direct her to the job centre to find work or claim benefits. Stay firm, she is being ridiculous."
User CoffeandTiaMaria wrote: "So she wants to pile her self-imposed financial problems on you? Stuff that! She needs to get off her backside agent a job, not sponge off you!"
User byvirtue said: "What an awful position to be put in. Your parents know what they need to do, they are adults. This isn't your job to fix."
Newsweek was not able to verify the details of the case.
Do you have a similar monetary dilemma? Let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.
Uncommon Knowledge
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
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